The true story of the roadkill goldfish

27 Apr
Popular misconception: Glass bowls do not protect innocent goldfish from oncoming traffic.

Popular misconception: Glass bowls do not protect innocent goldfish from oncoming traffic.

Goldfish have never lived long in my house. None survived more than three months.

Depending on how I felt about a particular fish, there would be either an elaborate burial in the backyard or a quick flush down the toilet.  If I REALLY loved the fish, I would first try to resurrect it with salt water because some kid in my third grade class told me it brought them back from the dead.

When a college boyfriend broke my heart, I thought it would be good to get another goldfish and name it after the boy. When the fish died, I could flush it down the dorm toilet as a symbol of the dead relationship. I’d be over my grief within a few weeks. However, He-Fish didn’t die within my timeframe. (Author’s note: He-Fish is obviously a pseudonym. Although, I don’t doubt there are dozens of U.S. men who earned the nickname for some college experience involving either a koi pond or kissing technique. Or both.)

He-Fish kept living. I bought him a little bachelor cave that he could hide out in. I fed him every day. I cleaned and treated his water once a week. A year later, the old boyfriend married the girl he dumped me for, but He-Fish kept going. I moved out of the dorm and into an apartment.  He-Fish kept going. Nothing would stop him.

A full two years after He-Fish joined my life, it was time for me to move out of the apartment. My apartment complex had a set of outdoor concrete stairs that were ridiculously close to the parking lot.  I lived on the second floor, and as a world-renowned klutz, I fell down – and up- those stairs on numerous occasions. (Proof point: I am the only person in the world who has spiked a volleyball into her own face and knocked herself out cold.)

On that fateful day, I made my last trip up those stairs to get He-Fish, my last item in the apartment. I held his bowl in my arms as I carefully came down the stairs. My foot caught on the last step, and He-Fish and his bowl flew out of my arms. The bowl crashed and shattered onto the parking lot, leaving my vulnerable He-Fish flopping on the asphalt. After dusting myself off, I went to go rescue him, but before I could get there, a Ford Festiva came racing around the corner and ran over my beloved He-Fish.

The driver heard the broken glass beneath his wheels and came out to investigate the crunching. I saw his puzzled face staring at a small goldfish with tiretracks across its body as I quietly made my way to my car and away from the apartment forever.

I guess it’s safe to say that He-Fish eventually served his purpose.

7 Responses to “The true story of the roadkill goldfish”

  1. lsgrlr October 14, 2013 at 7:55 PM #

    Reblogged this on JOURNEY OF THANKFULNESS and commented:
    I recently discovered this blog, roadkillgoldfish.com. This story made me laugh so hard I though I actually cried. I have had moments like this, where the unexpected happens. Here’s what I took away, we make a plans, but at the end of the day it’s God who directs what happens. Cause who would have ever though goldfish could be road kill.

  2. A Single Parent's Life September 4, 2013 at 1:23 AM #

    Poor fish that is one of those funny but not funny moments. We have Beta fish and we are on our 5th one since February. This one dies my kids aren’t getting anymore. I don’t know what is killing them.

    • Kim Keller September 4, 2013 at 9:48 AM #

      We lost three betas within a year. One got sucked up into the tank filter, one ingested rocks and sank to the bottom of the tank, and the final one died during a cross country move. I’m with you; I’m done with fish.

  3. goochisan May 14, 2013 at 9:19 PM #

    WAITaminute… That was YOUR fish?!? You owe me for a new tire!

  4. Derek Zenith May 10, 2013 at 10:10 AM #

    Did you keep your goldfish in chlorinated water. That could be why they died.

    • roadkillgoldfish May 10, 2013 at 1:03 PM #

      I learned my lesson about chlorinated water after my childhood fish died. I was pretty religious about using the anti-chlorine drops with He-Fish.

      I can assure you that water chemicals were not involved in He-Fish’s death. The blame totally lies with a subcompact car.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Fish Friend creates an awesome visual for Roadkill Goldfish | Roadkill Goldfish - September 22, 2013

    […] See the story of the original roadkill goldfish. […]

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